Birds of Prey

"Here we are now, we've got no time left. I don't know where you are in the world. I'm still dreaming, in a twilight sleep, that I am still your girl" 

- Lily Kershaw "The Last Light" 

Tossing and turning amidst sweat-soaked sheets, I try to trace the origins of my downfall. Because all I remember is love and possibility, hope for the future and then all at once, like the sudden darkening of the sky when a storm comes that wasn't forecast, chaos and the destruction of everything we'd built. I cannot identify the trigger for the collapse, the moment it was all set into motion. I think if I could it would be easier to accept the inevitability of the end instead of wonder how I could have protected us from the injuries of doubt and fear and impatience. Wonder how I could have made us last.

The drugs help blur you, softening the pain to a shadowy silhouette that lingers at the periphery rather than a constant tightening hand on my throat. In brief moments of clearheadedness, I remember all the things I miss and I am quick to turn back to inebriation, sure that if I linger for too long in memories I will seek you out although I know the you I am looking for no longer exists. 

Inevitably, our supply of pills dwindle. The world pulling back into sharp focus, pain blossoming from all the psychic wounds I've been ignoring, I writhe in bed, desperate for a fix. "Maybe we need to come up for air for a little bit," he says to me, brushing the damp hair from my forehead, "come up for air with me". I roar and gnash my teeth, I am a vicious beast faced with the dual knife blades of withdrawal and heartbreak.

The months stretch before me, uncomprehendingly. I cannot imagine surviving beyond summer. The long light-filled days filled with so many hours to try to forget, so many hours to doze away in an opiate haze. The sticky heat of leather seats and long car rides with the wind in my hair and trying always to get further away from myself. I cannot see beyond summer. There is nothing I want now except to forget and to escape.