Decadence & Decay

"We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain. What was normal in the evening, by the morning seems insane. I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this, the reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did. It's not something I would recommend, but is one way to live, cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is."

- Bright Eyes "Lua"

My bed smells like someone it shouldn't. I wonder perhaps if this is what madness feels like. I don't sleep, there is no need for it anymore. Food is ashes in my mouth, I lose 10 lbs in a week. All the cues that make someone human disappear, at first I think I am beyond human, above it. Then I realize I am a wild thing, a beast.

The boy leaves earlier than expected yesterday and I rage at being left alone with little warning. I am a tempest, a wild-fire. 

The things I'm doing will put myself and other people in danger. I invite him over regardless of who is going to get hurt. I do 3 days worth of drugs in a night and feed him pills, he curls sick on the floor and I giggle: "oh shit, I forgot you probably wouldn't have my tolerance". After some anti-emetics and ginger tea, he can enjoy the euphoria I was trying to tell him about. "You see," I say, starry-eyed as we try to waltz in my kitchen, "this is what I was talking about". Later I beg him to hurt me, hit me with his belt and hands, choke me until all I can see are blinking pinpricks of light in my fading vision. I forget the safe-word and pray for my own death. 

At 5 am we sleep fitfully for an hour or so, and then fuck again while the sun rises, my body aching as he contorts my limbs like a puppet, my shoulder joints screaming in protest. I revel in the pain. In the morning light we inspect the marks on my body; "shit," he laughs, "it looks like someone tried to murder you. How are you going to cover that up?" I try not to think about my boyfriend and this boy's girlfriend and who is going to pay the most for this. I tell him I don't want to think about it right now because it's making me anxious. I tell him it's time to go.

By 10 am, I can feel the withdrawals start and I curl up under my heated blanket, nauseated and sore to the bone. Outside, the wind howls and the branches scratch against the windowpanes. I cannot remember how I ended up here.